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Welcome to the very first annual Fashion Statement Christmas Awards. Come in, come in, have a glass of Moët, take the weight off those 11-inch McQueen platforms (love them, darling, love them!) and do use the back exit when you leave, sweetie, it’ll get you past the paparazzi and you know what a pain they are.

And now over to your host for this evening: it’s Fashion Statement herself, clad entirely - since you ask - in haute couture handstitched by Buddhist nuns in a Himalayan orphanage, from the finest albino alpaca and silk from pedigree worms reared on organic coffee beans pre-digested by civet cats.

THE BONO AWARD FOR FITTING THE MOST PRETENTIOUSNESS INTO 140 CHARACTERS OR FEWER

Our very first award goes to Karl Lagerfeld, who tweeted back in January:

After the couture, I am spending a quiet weekend in my all-glass apartment, floating over the river on Quai Voltaire.

If you are thinking, “All-glass? Even the bathroom?”, then we are of like mind.

SPECIAL AWARD FOR SERVICES TO STYLISTS

January Jones, for making it perfectly clear that without Mad Men’s super-stylist Janie Bryant, she is as clueless as the rest of us. If we happened to have lost our anti-static hairbrush en route to an 80s revival prom in a dress made of the discarded foil from Cadbury’s Dairy Milk bars, that is.

THE JILL MASTERSON MEMORIAL AWARD

Amber Rose dresses as a giant gold condom to get spurious newspaper inches - sorry, sorry, we mean to watch Chanel’s haute couture show. Then again, this outfit (which is Chanel, by the way - fine work, Karl) is positively demure by her standards. Google Image her, if you dare, though we’re not promising it’s safe for work or your sanity. On the plus side, the frock could almost certainly stop a sword in its tracks, and should times get tough for our heroine Amber, there’s always Cash for Gold …

THE MORRISSEY AWARD FOR BEING MISERABLE NOW

Joint honours to Taylor Momsen and Kristen Stewart, who firmly believe that smiling for photos or looking in any way like they are enjoying a life of parties, ludicrous paychecks and celebrity boyfriends is a betrayal of everything - YES, EVERYTHING - they stand for. Being teenagers, everything they stand for is being stroppy, refusing to tidy their rooms and thinking NO ONE UNDERSTANDS THEM. And who, indeed, does?

THE HE-SHOULD-HAVE-GONE-TO-SPECSAVERS AWARD FOR MYOPIA, PART ONE

Tom Ford, for the following proclamation:

I spend most of my time at home naked. You know, most people actually look better nude. We are all one harmonious colour, with a symmetry and an innate elegance.

THE WONDER WOMAN AWARD FOR BEST SUPERHERO OUTFIT

Alison Goldfrapp clearly has a secret superpower. What could it be? The ability to stop villains in their tracks with only a high G? The power to dazzle with Daz-fresh brightness? FS wants to know, and recommends you do not mess with her until you lay your hands on Goldfrapp kryptonite. FS is pretty sure that said kryptonite would consist of a pair of hair straighteners and a Boden catalogue.

THE GROUCHO MARX AWARD FOR SERVICES TO FACIAL HAIR

Mischa Barton gazes wistfully into the distance, sporting a moustache tucked neatly under her chin. All together now: huh? Still, it does pull off the unlikely feat of underplaying the fact that she’s wearing a raccoon around her head. We could, of course, choose to believe she’s in fancy dress. But that wouldn’t be fun, would it?

THE STUART BAGGS AWARD FOR UNDERSTATEMENT

Drum roll please … Karl Lagerfeld again, for announcing that he had produced, in the Pirelli calendar,

… the visual version of Homer. I did with my camera what he did with his pen, although we understand that he probably didn’t use a pen.

Ah, Karl, you really are the gift that keeps on giving. Can FS have you wrapped up under our tree, please?

THE SHE-SHOULD-STAY-AWAY-FROM-SPECSAVERS AWARD FOR MYOPIA, PART TWO

This award straight to Lady Gaga’s granny:

My grandmother is basically blind, but she can make out the lighter parts, like my skin and hair. She says, “I can see you, because you have no pants on.” So I’ll continue to wear no pants so that my grandma can see me.

FS now realises the meat dress wasn’t about publicity at all. No! Clearly Granny Gaga has a poor sense of smell also, thus necessitating a particularly pungent outfit so young Lady G can be located at all times.

THE FLYMO AWARD FOR BEING DRAGGED THROUGH A HEDGE BACKWARDS

Miley Cyrus - what a trooper, eh? Despite what was clearly a very close shave with a combine harvester, she still makes it out and about to, um, buy coffee. That teen hunger for fame will see you through every time, folks.

THE PHILIP LARKIN AWARD FOR DISTURBING PARENTING

The Beckhams, because they had to be in here somewhere, didn’t they? And because apparently only Brooklyn is a real boy. Which presumably makes Romeo and Cruz lost boys, just waiting for their Wendy to guide them home.

I mean you’ve got Brooklyn who is a real boy, he’s turning into a teenager. Then we have Romeo who loves fashion. He likes to go out in a suit with a bowler hat … he’s a real fashion lover. And Cruz just wants to breakdance every opportunity he gets.

THE MACAULAY CULKIN AWARD FOR SERIOUSLY WEIRD CHILDHOOD MEMORIES

Jean-Paul Gaultier on his first mannequin - his teddy bear:

The first coned-shaped bra I made was for that bear. Then the first time open-heart surgery was performed, he had to undergo that too. The poor thing went through a lot. When the Duchess of Kent got married and Queen Fabiola of Belgium, he had to wear wedding dresses. But he’s a catastrophe now. You should see him: he needs silicone and Botox - the whole lot.

AND THAT, LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, IS THAT. COLLECT YOUR GOODY BAGS ON THE WAY OUT, AND SEE YOU AGAIN IN THE NEW YEAR

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